My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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