If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
