it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Randomize