my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Randomize
