someone owes me an orgasm
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
