She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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