Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
