I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
