Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
