I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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