went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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