Will you blow on my dice?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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