There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
