He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
