Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize