I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
