Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
