im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
