i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
