Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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