I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
