Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
