is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
