the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
