I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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