Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize