you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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