My first STD was from a foam party
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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