3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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