you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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