question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
