It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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