So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
