Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
sarcasm needs its own font
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
