Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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