If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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