Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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