she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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