Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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