At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
