I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
