Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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