officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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