I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
