Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
