Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
