she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I supernannyed him into submission
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
