My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You did what with his pubic hair?
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