i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
