He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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