You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
