new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
