I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I am available for nakedness
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
