Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
