...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
