You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
