just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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