I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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