I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
