Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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