Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
