watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
