It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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