He kissed a someone with a penis
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
