Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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