nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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