Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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