we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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