I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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