woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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